Not much is going on. I am still waiting from the insurance company to make a decision on my medication. I hope that the wait doesn’t mean that there is a problem. *Fingers Crossed* I know that Rebif can be very expensive, but hopefully this is just red tape.
Physical therapy is going well. I have been practicing using only one crutch. While I am not quite ready to try this full time, it is definitely progress. I feel like I am 85-90% back, but it seems like this last bit is going to be the hardest. The improvements aren’t coming as quickly as they were up to this point. I am definitely going to have to work for this last little bit. At the same time I find myself wondering is this going to be my new normal. There is a chance that I will have some residual deficits from this that are permanent. That will be difficult, but I will persevere. Too be honest, the problem wouldn’t be the disability itself, it would be my vanity. My image of myself has never included crutches or even a cane. Even I am having a hard time making this look good LOL.
Now that I have been at home for awhile and out in the world I am learning a lot about how disability is viewed. People look at me with a little bit of pity in their eyes. People go out of their way to hold doors and try to do things for me. While I appreciate the concern, I don’t want anyone’s pity. In spite of my current issues, there is very little that cannot do. It may take a little longer or I may have to do it in a roundabout way, but I will get it done. I just hate the idea that anyone would perceive me as incapable. I admit that I probably won’t be getting on any motorcycles or ice skating anytime soon, but short of that I got this man LOL. Even though I am new to this, I can’t be the only person that feels this way. So the next time you see someone who is disabled please look at them with admiration because many of them have successfully adapted able bodied world for a long time and don’t be so quick to jump in to help the poor cripple without asking if they need assistance. Just my two cents.
The funniest part of this whole situation has been other people’s reactions. Some people seem more broken up about it than I am. They look at me with sad “oh you poor thing” expressions. A month ago, far less would have had me in a panic. It seems like dealing with this situation has given me a perspective and calm that I have never had before. I just don’t see a reason to be sad or angry about this (or most other things for that matter). I have always welcomed challenges and this is likely the biggest challenge I will ever face. I am prepared and ready to face this. A few people have said to me that they are inspired by my journal entries, enjoy my writing or that it has helped them to appreciate their lives more. I am glad for the opportunity to impact the lives of the people that I care about in a positive way. I am discovering new gifts every day. Things that I may never have found otherwise, because I was focused on other things.
Don’t get me wrong if I had a choice I don’t think this is the path I would have chosen or planned, but it is the road that I have to walk. I am just trying to acknowledge that it isn’t all bad. This experience has made me a better person in so many ways. I have a much better understanding of what is important in life. Things that used to make me furious, barely even register. I am a much happier and much calmer than I ever was before. I used to spend so much time worrying about and trying to influence thing that I had no control over. I wonder what I could have accomplished with all that time and energy.
I have been thinking a lot about a story that I heard several years ago. At the time I don’t think it really sunk in, but now it holds immense significance for me. Many of you have probably received this story in some chain email and immediately deleted it, but I wanted to share it anyway.
Life Throws a Brick at You
A young and successful executive was travelling down a neighborhood street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no children appeared, instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door. He slammed on the brakes and spun the Jag back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown.
He jumped out of the car, grabbed some kid and pushed him up against a parked car, shouting, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's a new car and that brick you threw is gonna cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"
"Please, mister, please, I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do!" pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop."
Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. He lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be okay.
"Thank you, sir. And God bless you," the grateful child said to him. The man then watched the little boy push his brother to the sidewalk toward their home. It was a long walk back to his Jaguar... a long, slow walk. He never did repair the side door. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention.
Life whispers in your soul and speaks to your heart. Sometimes, when you don't have the time to listen... Life throws a brick at your head. It's your choice: Listen to the whispers of your soul or wait for the brick. Do you sometimes ignore loved ones because your life is too fast and busy leaving them to wonder whether you really love them?
I think MS was my brick. I wish that it didn’t have to be, but if I am honest with myself I have to admit I would (and in the past have) ignored anything less. I promise you this; you only have to tell me once. I will not require any more bricks… I mean reminders! So on that note, Good Night ;-)
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