Monday July 18, 2011

Hello friends,

 Today was another amazing day, but I am coping with a little bit of frustration. I have improved immensely over the last few months. Even though I have felt like I was able to drive, I haven’t done so. I have instead waited through the formal evaluation process. I am frustrated because this process has been far longer than I anticipated and I feel as if I am not being told what the expectations are.

When this started I thought I would go through the driving simulation and if I passed that,

 I would be done and free to return to driving. I was told that if necessary I would then be scheduled for a road eval. Turns out that my interpretation wasn’t quite correct. What they meant was if I did not pass the simulations, I would not be eligible for a road eval. Worse yet there were more surprises/miscommunications to come.

After waiting two weeks, I had my road eval today. I felt pretty confident about this eval because I received the written report from my clinical evaluation. I passed the vast majority of the eval. I was well within normal limits for things like visual acuity, field of vision, night vision, depth perception and 11 other testing areas. On one test that measured my reaction time to visual and auditory cues, I had an issue with a poor choice of footwear and a little bit of anxiety. Basically my shoe got caught moving from the gas to the brake. My reaction was timed at 85/100 of a second. It appears that the safety standard is 75/100 of a second. In all of the other trials my reactions were well under the standard, so I didn’t think this was a problem. The report stated that I was appropriate for on-the-road eval to “further assess ability to return to independent driving”. Almost as a side note the report indicated that my need for adaptive equipment such as hand controls should be further assessed in-car.

Well I arrived for my evaluation today and was told that I had to use the hand controls due to lower extremity deficits. I was shocked to say the least. I have moved from crutches to a cane since the clinical eval, so in my mind my lower extremities are stronger than ever. I did not protest, thinking that once I got through this I would be finished with this process so it was just a minor inconvenience. So as we drove I was able to get the hang of using the hand controls, but I felt far more unsafe and afraid using this method. My mind and muscle memory have been trained to signal my foot to use the gas and break. My mind was struggling to instead use my hand in an unfamiliar pattern to control the momentum of the vehicle. I won’t even go into how foreign that little spinny knob thingy is.

It felt like being in Drivers Ed all over again. The instructor even had a brake on her side, just in case. During the ride the instructor explained that today was to determine just how much on-the-road training I would require as she happily informed me that I was adapting well so she would only be recommending the minimum 6 hours of training before my secretary of state evaluation. WTF?!?!  Six hours? Secretary of State? My face nearly fell off. No one had ever mentioned any of this. Granted I never asked, but I had no idea that this would be such an involved, long-term process. It turns out that after 3 two hour in-car training sessions, I will become eligible for a road test with the Secretary of State. If they agree that I am comfortable with the hand controls they will give me permission to use said equipment. Apparently there are huge fines associated with using this stuff without permission from the state. THEN the conversion company will be able to install the required devices in my vehicle. Who knows how long it will take get all of this scheduled and completed, especially now that I am working 4 days a week.

I left feeling quite frustrated and a little angry that I had not been provided with good information about what would be required of me. I am not sure what if anything can be done about this. I feel somewhat powerless in this situation. I just cannot imagine myself comfortably using the hand controls. I haven’t been nervous behind the wheel since my one and only driving lesson with my mother that ended in less than 5 with a near miss of the tree in our front yard. This is not a good feeling.

That along with the seriously hectic day of psychiatric placements at work and a PT session completely wore me out today. I think I was asleep a half an hour after I got home today. I didn’t even play with my puppy. Now it is time to go to bed so I can work tomorrow and I am wide awake. I am trying to stay positive, but it is a bit of a struggle today. Some days are definitely harder than others. I am working hard every day and trying to focus on the victories instead of the challenges. The number of obstacles along the way sometimes amazes me. It makes me mad, but I will successfully complete this task as well. Time to suck it up and Git-R- Done!

On that note, thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.