Deer in the Headlights

Hello friends,

I made it through my first class without puking or passing out! I was nothing but nerves all day long. I couldn't even eat. I eventually had to force myself to eat a salad just to make sure I didn't get a hunger headache. When I finally arrived to class and settled in I realized that these were kids. I mean they are graduate students, but the vast majority of my students are about 21 or 22. Somehow I expected them to be older. They just stared at me, seeming halfway afraid to raise their hand or speak. It was hilarious watching them look around the room and tentatively raise their hand to say something. They just seemed so scared. I wonder if I was ever that tentative. It was then that I realized that they were looking to me for direction. They were just sitting there primed and ready to take in what ever I gave them. Some furiously took notes on everything I said, even though I was just going over the syllabus. It finally sunk in that I really do know more than they do. That I really do have knowledge to share with them. I have no idea how I am going to fill three hours a week, but I think I just might be able to do this. I just pray that my body holds out, I can't wait to share some of my experience and knowledge with these students.

I went back and forth about what I wanted to say about my cane or if I wanted to say anything at all. All of the other instructors I talked to about being a successful teacher said that the key was to be myself and insert my personality into what I am doing. I finally decided that my experiences with disability and chronic illness are a part of my identity and need to be included. I think my perspective as a person with disabilities will be valuable to the course because it is an area that is often overlooked, even in a field as inclusive as social work.  So, I decided to explain that I have a condition that affects my ability to walk and requires that I use various assistive devices like the cane or a wheelchair. I may get into more specifics later on, but decided I will just play it by ear and see how things go.

On another note, work is going incredibly well. I use the power chair quite a bit so people aren't used to seeing me walk. Since I went back to my full assignment and schedule fatigue has been an issue. Not in the sense that I am to tired to do the work, but my symptoms become much more pronounced when I am tired. I don't feel like I need to take a nap or anything, but my body shows the strain. The tremors, foot drop and my coordination all suffer. When I took a break from the chair this afternoon and did some walking, I think a few of the nurses thought I was going to fall down. It's slow and looks funny, but usually I can get it done. I am so thankful to work with amazing people who appreciate the work that I do and care about me as a person. I think teaching will be a lot of fun, but the hospital is my first love. Not just because of the work that I do, but because of the people I get to do that work with.

Well it's getting late and I have to work in the morning so I better get some rest. Thanks for listening. Talk you again soon.