Hello friends,
I cannot tell you how happy I am. Yesterday was my first day back at work. It went far better that I expected. I couldn’t help but smile all day yesterday. Everyone seemed so happy to have me back. I am so glad that people appreciate the job that I do. It was so amazing to get to do what I love. Even if my body does not cooperate, my mind is still on the job!
The only problem was all the stuff stacked in front of my office door. This is nothing new. It was an almost daily annoyance for the entire three years that I have been in this office. The problem is, my office is in the back hallway of the hospital, near the service elevator. The staff put equipment that is no longer needed or broken, extra bed or furniture and things that need to be sterilized in the area for the supply dispatch staff to collect. I have posted a sign, put a note on the items that are left and spoken to the staff from dispatch, but nothing really changes. It has become downright funny. I almost think people are doing it on purpose and secretly taping my reactions. But, now it is more than that, it is a significant obstacle. But for the first time I laughed about it yesterday. It made me so happy to see that nothing had changed. It felt so normal. I have been craving normal for so long! The only thing I worry about would be the beds. I had an experience once where a hospital was parked in from of my door while I was inside. These beds are massive and the lock had been set. Unfortunately the pedal to lock it was on the other side. Since it never occurs to me to ask for help, I had to climb over the bed to get out. Of course that will have to change. All I need now is to fall and break my arm or my hip!
Asking for help is such a strange thing. I think that has been the single most difficult thing that I have had to do. Learning to walk again has been easier than admitting I am not able to do something and ON TOP OF THAT, having to ask someone else to do it for me. Even when assistance is offered I have started to sounds like five year old. I constantly find myself saying, “No, I can do it myself”. Even when there is a good chance that I can’t. Thank God I have friends that let me have my independence, but help me when I need it. Sometimes even anticipating my needs before I do. I had thought of most major things and worked out how I would address them, but other things completely went over my head. Things like getting to the cafeteria for lunch. Never a problem before, but quite a distance to cover in a wheelchair. I have become fairly skilled in the chair, but my strength and endurance is nowhere near a person who uses the chair exclusively. But, thankfully my friends where there to help. Another friend is going completely out of her way to make sure I get to work. There is no way that I will ever be able to repay them for their help and thoughtfulness. I don’t know if I could have some back from this without them. Especially Cheryl, who has had my back and helped me through this without hesitation, Thank you.
Being in the wheelchair was a bit of a spectacle though. So many people expressed genuine concern and stopped to ask questions. At times I struggled a bit with what to say. Not because I feel some desire to keep my condition a secret. I mean, it is obvious that there is something wrong with me. There is no denying that. But when I come out and say “I have MS”, it seems to upset people. They seem to be caught off guard and even sad. I appreciate their empathy, but it really isn’t necessary. So, it just seems easier to just say I have been ill recently. Or until I come up with something better, maybe I will just get a T-shirt made that says “I have multiple sclerosis, but don’t worry I will be just fine” LOL. I can’t wait to show people what a person with MS can do. You just wait and see.
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